Dad

My dad was not perfect, but his love for us was.

He, along with my mom, created a true example of what it means to be family and what it means to treat friends like family.

Family means sharing in the joys of graduations, weddings, the births of grandchildren.

It means softening the sorrows of first love and its first heartache.

Family means modeling responsibility and teaching it.

Family means conversations about nothing, and silence that says everything.  With family, a few words can generate a thousand pictures.

Before he passed, Dad told me, "There's no time for regrets."  He was right.  We don't know how much time any of us has. There is no time for regrets.  We have a choice. Focus on the good and keep our eyes on Christ, or focus on the negative which will ultimately consume us. I know what Dad, my earthly father, and God, my heavenly father, both would have wanted. I choose the good.

Choosing to focus on the good means remembering the fishing, camping and playing Monster, instead of lamenting what we won't play tomorrow.

It means making sure every grandchild knows how to play Euchre, and how to cheat. Just a little.

It means rejoicing that for more than 67 years on Earth, this man knew Christ in his heart and now he knows him in person.

It means following the example of more than 47 years of marriage, in good times and in bad - a marriage that so clearly shows what marriage can be with work and love, a love too many never experience.

It means thanking God that I had a loving, caring father every day for 44 years when so many others have never experienced that kind of total, forgiving, joyous love.

It means looking through pictures and memories with my sons and nieces, reflecting on all they did with Grandpa, rather than harboring regret and sadness because of what they didn't get to do.

There's no time for regrets.

I am sad today, but I rejoice because Dad is cured. On God's timeline, and in God's presence. I don't have to understand the plan, or even like it because I trust it.

Repurposing....

When I was looking to add some storage space for all of my new, home made bath and body products, I set put looking for something to repurpose. For $8 at our local thrift store, some paint we had on hand, and some elbow grease, I came up with this.  The black inset is chalkboard paint.

As I finished the project, I started to think that even with paint and effort, it was still the same old cabinet underneath.  How often are we the same as that cabinet? Underneath, cheap, worn, cast aside.  We continue to put on a good front, though, with some decent clothes and a smile.

Unlike the cabinet, it takes more than a surface make-over to give us purpose.  It must come from within.  What change is happening in you, your mind, and your heart?

What are you afraid of?

Fear.  It can be paralyzing.  It can be overwhelming.  It invokes a fight or flight response.  In some situations, however, flight is not an option. The fight is on.

I'm afraid of suffocating. I am afraid of going blind.  Seriously afraid.  This fear has not toppled over to irrational, yet, and is most likely based on my experiences with asthma, and the fact that without glasses I am totally blind.  We're all afraid of something.  At least I don't scream when I see a spider, right?

My paralyzing, scares-me-to-death fear is cancer. I'm a wimp.  I found out during both of my pregnancies that I cannot tolerate nausea.  While I have a fairly high pain threshhold, I can only stand it for short periods of time.  If you have had cancer or know someone who has, you can understand this fear.

Now, add to it that I am a carbon copy of my dad - spiritually, nutrionally, physically.  You can see where I am going with this.  We are exactly alike.  Our humor, sarcasm, intelligence, compassion for people, love for Jesus, work ethic.  Yep.  I got all of his good stuff.  I also tend toward obsessive-compulsive, have a temper, eat too much, love foods that hate me, prefer my couch to the treadmill, and struggle with weight issues.  I came by those traits honestly, too.

So, if I am an image of my Dad - and I would not change that for anything in the world, and some cancers tend to be hereditary, then guess what I worry about? I know this is foolish. I do not plan to live in fear, but emotions are what they are, just responses to outside stimuli.  Once the wave of emotion passes, my brain kicks in again with that awesome intelligence my dad gifted me with and I resume rational thought. 

No, I will not live in fear.  We have been commanded to not love in fear. "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?" Matthew 6:25 (NIV).  Taken out of context, though, this passage would tell me to go on living without regard for the number of brownies I enjoy (They are gluten-free; that has to count for something, right?), the chemical-laden creamer in my coffee, and the cheese on my pizza.  Taken out of context, we can eat and do what we want with reckless abandon. No worries.

No scripture is meant to be taken out of context! We criticize non-believers who do this to us, yet attempt to justify it when it suits our worldly wants. We are not to be sloths, or gluttons.  Our bodies are made in the image of God! I don't vision God sitting around with bonbons and coffee watching 25-year-old episodes of Murder, She Wrote. No, I see God eating for sustenance, for fuel.  I see God using the things He made to care for a human body, not the things humans have mutated, not the chemicals we have substituted. 

No, we must remember that there is an Old Testament with instructions, too. I have read this passage often in the past few years, trying to motivate myself to view food as Daniel did.  Thanks to Pastor Josh Yates, I have an opportunity starting tomorrow to approach the Daniel Plan with a group of fellow believers, to combine faith, friendship, fitness and food the way God intended.

But Daniel resolved not to defile himself with the royal food and wine, and he asked the chief official for permission not to defile himself this way...but the official told Daniel, "I am afraid of the lord my king, who has assigned your food and drink. Why should he see you looking worse than the other young men your age? The king would then have my head because of you... Excerpts from Daniel 1:8-11 (NIV). 

You see, the king treated his chosen captives well, feeding them from his table, for a period of three years.  It was a form of brainwashing.  Daniel understood the temptation and asked to be excused from the lavish feasts!  He wanted a slave's portion and nothing more.  Yet at the end of the time, he was stronger, healthier and more well-nourished than those the king had spoiled with feasts. Daniel allowed himself to be nourished spiritually first, and physically second. Imagine if we only read that passage before sitting down to those restaurant portions of the deep-fried plate.

No, I should not worry about what the future holds.  I should, however, follow Biblical examples such as Daniel's when it comes to taking care of what is supposed to be a temple for God.  We might or might not be able to influence God's plans for us through prayer.  I don't know.  I know He hears prayers. I know He answers prayer....just sometimes not with the answer I selfishly want. I also know that having a deep relationship with Christ means doing my human best to live like Him.  Since I do not recall any Gospel account of Jesus being a glutton (quite the contrary), I am confident I am not where I should be.

So, I will focus on nutrition, what goes in and on my body.  I will diligently try to use resources God created on this Earth, and not the artificial ones created by man.  This will not be an easy task.  Many manufacturers and suppliers don't tell you how their products are made.  GMO items are not labeled.  You have to look for the non-GMO labels.  Even organic items, like castor oil, can be life-threatening to those who harvest them. Knowledge is power. Prayer is all powerful.

I will not worry.  I will do what I am supposed to do.  I will pity the friend who draws me as an accountability partner.  You have your work cut outor you.

Pray for Peace

When a loved one is ill, we are often bombarded by friends who want to help - to just do something.  I have been the friend wanting to make something better because I know I cannot possibly make eveything better. This week, I have had to switch gears and be on the receiving end of so much love.  I don't like it.  It's awkward. I'm independent.

This week, however, I have been forced It's to pause and listen to my own well-intentioned words, "If you don't let people help you, you take away their opportunity to serve."  I have said it to so many friends that I cannot even begin to count them.  I have a few friends I say it to often. This week, one said it back. My own words turned against me!

I want my friends to be involved, to help as much as they are willing and able.  I know me.  If I shut them out, I will crawl into a dark abyss that will make Winter 2014 look warm and fuzzy.  So, I paused and I reflected on my own words, "If you don't let people help, you take away their opportunity to serve."  After all, I will not be single-handedly responsible for destroying someone's ministry! It is not my place to evaluate friendships, time commitments and spiritual gifts.  If someone wants to do something, let them.  But what should people do for others at a time like this?

I now fully understand why people sometimes decline help, decline those offers to do something.  In a time of physical or emotional crisis, we don't even know what we need.  I can make dinner....well, as much as I ever make dinner.  Day-to-day cooking has never really been my thing.  We can do laundry. I wouldn't want anyone sorting through our underbits anyway. You would know who wears boxers and who wears briefs! Going through our routines didn't highlight anything we "need" help with.  Besides, between Mom's colon cancer (she is in remission) and Dad's bile duct cancer, we've been in a state of chaos for four years. I don't even know what normal looks like anymore.

So, what can people do?  Everyone can keep living and take me with them.  Don't avoid me because you don't know what to say.  Don't say anything. Silence is ok.  We have weather to talk about. Just be there.  If we usually go out to dinner on Fridays, let's go to dinner on Fridays. Help me keep some aspect of my life and that of my family normal.  Don't assume I'm too busy to participate, to fulfill my obligations and ministries.  I need those things to stay sane.  In other words, don't take away my ministry while you are ministering to me.  Don't worry if I hermit once in a while, but don't let me disappear. 

Most of all, pray. Pray for all of us.  I've never been one to successfully memorize scripture, but I must have learned the key ones because they pop into my head when needed.  I'm resourceful. I can then locate them in the Bible.  Today, all I wanted was peace.  I teach high school.  There is no peace.  But I longed for a different peace, and there it was, the weekly benediction from my childhood church. "May the peace that passes all understanding be in abide with you this day and forvever more." I have not heard that pastor say those words in 25 years, yet there they were, taken from Paul's letter to the church at Phillipi.

I turned to Phillippians 4:7, and read, "And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (NIV). That's the peace I crave, a deep-rooted sense of calm that can only come when God is in control. That is what I need right now. Reading the verse before it tells us how to get there. "Do not be anxious about anything, but in evry situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." Pray for peace, for God's peace. Pray it for all of us."

I wish we never had experiences like what we are going through right now, but I also wish i had understood them a little bit more when in the past I have asked, "What can I do to help?"  There will come a time for physical needs to be met.  Right now, pray. Pray for peace.

We all will be cured

As I sit here with a stomach bug and the chills, I realize that I will get better, yet so many others won't.  At least they won't here on this earth.  It is heartening to know that all of our worldly ills are just that - of the earth.  They will not follow us to heaven.  I do not profess to be able to explain what heaven will be like, but I will go out on a limb and say that it won't involve nausea, fever, cancer, or any of the other ailments we suffer that range from nuisance to deadly.

By the grace of God, modern medicine has given my Dad two-and-a-half years (and counting) since his diagnosis with bile duct cancer.  Thirty months of chemotherapy, nausea, surgery - he has been through it all.  The bad days are starting to outnumber the good ones, a time we all knew would come. He is not giving up. We are not giving up on him.  We can't. To give up on the man who has been my superhero for almost 44 years would be paramount to treason.  After all, my dad can do anything. 

In reality, none of us can do anything. Every accomplishment, every miracle is a gift from God.  We make mistakes, we repent, we are forgiven, through the blood on the cross that Jesus shed for us. Without Christ, we do nothing. Without Christ, we are nothing. Sometimes, that miracle - that gift - is revealed on Earth amidst the sin and suffering of the world.  Sometimes, it is reserved for a time after our departure from this world.

I selfishly vacillate between praying Dad be released from his pain, even if that means he leaves us, and pleading with God to cure him, or at the very least to allow him to maintain right here where I can see him, talk to him, be with him, where my kids can be with Grandpa even if he's not up to fishing and hunting right now.  Then I pray for forgiveness of my selfishness. Then I ask God to do His will, even though what I want is really My Will.  Then I ask for forgiveness for that.

I cannot satisfactorily explain why bad things happen, at least not in terms the world would understand. It's part of a plan so much bigger than we are.  Sometimes, a great deal of good can come out of a tragedy, out of an illness.  I, however, know I am tired of making lemonade.  I've never been a fan of the stuff.  It's something I can do without, but I have all these lemons....

Difficult situations are heart-wrenching and frustrating.  We are human beings trying to analyze a plan the God of the Universe has in motion. And we wonder why we get frustrated?  It would be like an ant trying to figure out why the people keep cleaning the sugar off the counter. Things look good, then BOOM, it's gone. Sometimes, the sugar is left out.  What a blessing!  God could just leave us sugar cubes all over the place.  The problem is most of us would not recognize them as blessings.  We would take them for granted and eventually ignore them and their provider.  

Unless we needed to make some lemonade....

All Things Are Possible with God: The Reflection

If you are tired of hearing about my sprint distance triathlon at the Ludington Lighthouse in Ludington, Michigan, too bad.  I anticipate this physical and emotional high will wear off in a another day or two.  Today, I didn't crawl out of bed until after 9 AM.  This is very unusual and a sign that the euphoria is wearing off.

I learned so much about myself this past Sunday.  I challenge each of you to do something you don't think you can do, something way outside your comfort zone.  I am not suggesting for a minute that everyone do a triathlon of any distance, or a marathon.  What you do has to be something that you will enjoy, but right now see as beyond your means.

Always wanted to do a personal Bible study, but don't start because you don't have time?  Make time.  Want to lose weight, but are afraid of failing yet again?  Figure out what foods make you feel good, and which ones make you feel blah.  Eat the good ones; avoid the blah.  There are too many "diets" out there.  You need to do what works for your body and quit treating yourself as an experiment.  Want to be healthy?  Exercise.  You don't have to join a gym, bench press a couple hundred pounds or run a 6-minute mile.  Have a bike? Ride it.  Have feet? Walk.  Have a Wii?  Get off the couch when you use it.  Just move more.  Wish you liked reading more?  Get a book that interests you.  Start with a few pages a day.  What begins as personal discipline can quickly turn into a passion, particularly when you notice you feel better, you've lost a pound or two, you've finished your first book since college.

I can guarantee that when you reach a milestone in your goal, you will have no regrets.  I have no regrets about this triathlon.  I could say I wish I had trained better, practiced those bricks that are transitions from one discipline to another, investigated the wetsuit scenario more.  All of those things would have benefited me and my overall time.  They also would have changed my experience.  My experience, though, was perfect.  It was what it was meant to be.  It was part of God's plan.  My heart was light.  My mind was clear.  I know this competition happened exactly as God wanted it to.

Believe it or not, I went swimming the day after the race.  I completed 6 whole laps, a mere 300 yards in a heated pool.  Why, you ask, didn't I take the day off?  I needed to quickly remind myself that I can swim freestyle with my face in the water.  I am not limited to breaststroke.  I also needed to move in a shock-free environment to loosen up my muscles.  It worked.  It worked so well, I went back to the gym Tuesday.

I created a new workout for myself.  Remember, I hate running.  However, I need to do some running to help with cardio.  I needed some weight training, so I created a circuit.  Triceps, biceps, run a lap.  Adductors, abductors, run a lap.  Lat pull, lat raise, run a lap.  Leg press, seated calf, run a lap.  Step, run a lap.  I ran each lap.  By the time I was done, I had run half a mile.  I didn't hate it.  I found a way to run that I enjoyed.

Find a way to accomplish your goal and enjoy it.  Achievements should not bring a sense of, "Glad that's over."  They should deliver a euphoria that makes you want to continue -- eating healthy, losing weight, exercising, reading books.

Whatever you do, make sure you do it with God.  Pray about it.  Be still and listen to God's still small voice.  Make sure your plan is in tune with God's master plan for you.

No matter what you decide to do, know that it can be done.

All things are possible with God.

All Things Are Possible....with God Part 3: The Run

Before we really get into the run, I need to visit something that happened during the bike.  It was a moment that made my heart stop, made me sick to my stomach.  I considered the bike turnaround the halfway point of the race.  I made the turnaround and was elated.  Less than 5 minutes later, my stomach was in my throat.

I was riding along, reciting "All things are possible with God who strengthens me," feeling the warm sun and the cool breeze off Lake Michigan.  My gaze shifted from boats on the lake to the road ahead where I saw a biker down, and three vehicles on the side of the road.  From a distance, the biker looked like our friend Tim -- same build, hair color, the whole nine yards.  One of the cars on the side of the road was a silver Subaru -- same make and model Tim and his wife Ruth drive.  You know what I was thinking.

I quickly realized the car didn't have the bumper sticker that makes their car easy for me to identify.  In one moment, I felt a sense of relief only surpassed by guilt.  I felt good it wasn't my friend.  Did that mean I was glad it was someone else?  Emergency personnel were already there.  I am not a doctor.  What could I do?  I said a prayer of healing for the man, and kept pedaling.  It was several minutes before my heart rate was normal for the activity I was in the midst of.

This event was in my mind for the remainder of the bike portion and all of the run.  We take so many things for granted -- our health, that we really can do anything.  The bottom line is, if it's not God's plan don't try to make it yours.  This doesn't necessarily explain the mid-course injury that biker suffered.  It does explain why some things we really want never come to fruition.

With these thoughts in my mind and my goal in sight, I finished the bike, transitioned, and started to run.  I ran about a dozen steps.  Seriously.  Let me preface the rest by telling you I do not like to run.  I have what are probably the two slowest 5k runs in history attributed to my name -- one Flint Crim and one Detroit Turkey Trot.  I can swim, bike and lift weights with normal exertion and fatigue.  Running hurts every fiber in my body.  I have a terrible gait.  I walk with a heavy heel; when I run, earthquake monitoring equipment sends off alerts.  I also am a bit bustier than most runners which adds to the discomfort.  Even preparing for the Ludington Lighthouse Spring Triathlon, I never planned on running the entire 5k portion.  I figured I would run/walk.  My friend Ruth was planning to walk it, and she walks fast.  I was going to use her to pace myself.  An injury prevented her from competing, so I walked alone.

I am distracted by flower gardens.  This stretch of Lakeshore Drive had mop-head hydrangeas the likes of which I had never seen.  There were even pink ones!  You have to change the acidity of soil to get pink.  There were spectators.  I talked to every single one of them as I went by.  I thanked them for being out there cheering us on.  I talked to every runner and biker I saw.  Any athlete knows, if you can have these conversations you are not exerting yourself enough.  I knew this.  I didn't care.  I was relishing the experience.

My inability to run the first part of the course was compounded by the fact that even though my rear-end was happy to get off the bike, my legs were missing it and still trying to move in a circular motion.  I could not find my stride.  I knew all along I should have done those training "bricks" where you practice going from one discipline to another.  Now I knew why.  My muscles needed to be trained to quickly transition from the bike motion to the run motion.  I walked almost a mile and a half before my legs felt normal.

The mile and a half point was the turnaround.  I jogged to the turnaround and literally danced around that beautiful sign it.  I let out a whoop! I did my dance.  I started walking again.  My enthusiasm was not lost on those around me.  If I motivated one person to keep going, to go faster, to do something they had never done, I will gladly act the fool again.  At that point, I did not just believe I could finish.  I knew it.  A mile and a half to go.  I could crawl that far if it meant finishing.

For the remainder, I decided I had to run some.  The course nicely alternated between sun and shade, so I decided to run in the shade and walk in the sun.  That brought me back to the finish line.  As I approached the chute, I saw my husband Paul, who had been at every transition so far, and my sister Cathy, who had finished ahead of me.  I was walking.  I told Cathy I would resume running when I reached the chute.  Next time, I'll look ahead a bit farther.  That chute was much longer than I thought!

As I hit the first timing panel, I looked up and saw the clock.  It read 2:56.  I finished in less than three hours!  I was dead last, but I beat my goal!  I stopped running and started to cry.  Then a worker said, "Don't stop now."  I wasn't done yet.  There were two more timing panels before the finish line.  I panicked.  Every bit of adrenaline I had was devoured to get me the rest of the way at the 2:58 mark on that clock.  I was still happy, and still crying.  I had finished.  I had met my goal.  Better news was right around the corner, though.

The bright red, digital clock at the finish line was timing from the official 8 AM start, which was the men's Olympic distance wave.  I looked at Paul.  "What time did our wave start?"  It was around 8:20 AM.  My estimated time was closer to 2:38 or so.  When official results were posted, my time was 2:34.  Still last, but 26 minutes faster than my goal.  Even after a battle with the wetsuit that cost me about 6 minutes, and terrible transition times, I was 26 minutes ahead of my goal.

I have already been asked by several people if I will do this again.

I will.

All things are possible with God who strengthens me.